The river

Every new day which i spend here makes me wonder and question myself more ferociously than the previous time, what in the hell is it that i’m really doing here. I’m an alien, not a robot like the others. We bust our asses, day after day, going to these meaningless 'institutions of higher education' and i just can't stop myself from thinking that this is a total waste of my time. Not to mention, a waste of my fathers hard earned money. But this is not my place. And this is not my time. I see these people thriving on such conditions and i for one also thrive under pressure, because i have to, but this isn’t exactly what i had in mind for my life. What happens once mba passes on and i get a job. How am i gonna deal with that. Some call me lazy and some call me laid back. I know i’m smart enough to get myself a decent placement. I can talk my way through it. But what then? Am i gonna continue talking myself through shit all my life? Is that all i’m gonna achieve and learn here? People talk about the big bad corporate world and its ruthlessness and how it constantly demands results and if you cant deliver you may as well leave with some dignity before you're flung out dramatically. But are these really the kind of results that i give a fuck about? Am i gonna be preparing feasibility reports for the new designer and multi-coloured underwear thats causing a rage in the mid to higher level market segment? Or am i gonna study consumer behaviour patterns and use my so-called 'knowledgeable judgement' to determine who needs a facial uplift and who needs a nose job. Isn’t that pretty much where i’m headed at this point in time?

What about living my life. What about experiencing those things which give me true joy. But where’s the money in that, they ask me. i’m not gonna make good income sitting in my room and writing down my perspective on the wild world. I’m not gonna get a good pay package to write down fantasies of the mind. Fancies of the feeble. What about the fancy cars and well furnished homes and the trendy gizmos that i could buy myself if i go down the road taken. How would i feed my face if i didn’t have basic financial security?

But what about the other path. As RF said, he took the road less travelled. Will i be courageous enough to take that road and not feel the need to hesitantly look over my shoulder every step of the way and contemplate turning back? I need to be strong. I need to have resolve worthy of a king. I need to be able to live my life under the weight of the disappointment that i shall cause by the might of my unconventional decisions.

But what if i continue like this? I’ll get placed in some company that i don’t give a fuck about. I’ll be in it solely for the money and for the growth options of my ‘meticulously planned out career’. I’ll work a 9 to 5 job, even put in a lot of extra hours, slog my butt off and hope to be promoted so i can earn more money and have more responsibility thrust on me and get more work to pile inside my ass so that i can postpone the things i really want even further into the future. I’ll be a slave to the money. But will i really be happy. Will i witness the truly joyful things in life that were positioned to provide the greatest of highs but are just completely looked around now. The world will frown at me. Some will turn their back on me. Some will even question my sanity. But i’ll stare them right back in the face and say fuck you, i’m no longer a slave to the system. I made my own rules and i live by them and i can swear by them. And in my mind i’m the richest man in the world.

I don’t wanna follow the crowd. Heck i don’t even want the crowd to follow me cause I’m no leader. I wanna be my own person, not answer to any higher authority. I’m not doing anything illegal. But in today’s ‘super competitive world’ following your heart is no less than arson. Everyone’s so concerned with the ever expanding list of deadlines to be met, everyone’s obsessed with scoring higher marks and making more money. Where’s the inspiration? Where’s the joy? I look around me and i see people laughing, but where’s the genuineness? Where’s life? I wish i was born 200 years ago, when i could sit by the side of a river and stare into the vastness of the water, in complete awe of the magic it contains, and sing songs in my head and dream about what the heavens would look like if the world around me contains such immaculate beauty. I wish i could be a child again, not bothered about how much money i have in my back pocket or how to make the world like me. Playing in the grass meant the world back then.

I would walk aimlessly upon fields of endless gold under the brilliant sunshine matched only with the radiance on my face. I would cross the paths of unknown strangers and pass on my feelings of infinite simplicity like a contagious epidemic. I would watch the people pass me by with frowns on their faces and lines on their foreheads and i would heal them with a simple touch of kindness and the melody of words.

But that is not to be. Fast forward to right now, and the world seems a darker place. Colour has lost meaning, beauty has lost essence, and people have lost their hearts. The sky is darker when the sun is at its highest in the afternoon sky. The wind is chillier than at the lofty peaks of the highest mountains in the middle of a warm summer afternoon. The world has shrunk they say, but somehow the distances between people have multiplied immensely. Material benefits have consumed us entirely and got us by the balls, and we’ll be truly blessed if we’re ever released by their deathly hold.

Now tell me, am i a dreamer? Am i a fool? I think not. I think i see beyond what the eye can. I can sense. I can feel, in the true sense of the word. I can imagine. I can perceive. I can even enlighten. They pass me by and look at me with their bewildered eyes and ask each other why i am the way i am. Well i am, the way i am, because i am hope. Hope that someday we can rediscover the truth. Someday we can look beyond the purely visible and truly see the world as it was intended to be seen. Consciousness has consumed me and someday i’ll successfully pass it on to hundreds of millions more. And then they’ll question me and mock me no more. They’ll let me be. Because they’ll be just like me. And then we’ll stare at the river together.